BPD : The Follow Up


A couple of months ago I did a post on what it's like living with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I had so many comments from people telling me how brave I was for speaking out about such an illness. I was proud, but I was new to this and I had only just learnt what the disorder really was. I hadn't experienced it in it's fullest yet.

That's why I'm here now, I've spent the past two days in a dark place that I thought I could not come back from. I've been in a constant battle with myself. I needed to write this down so I could get it out, push it away and remove it from my brain, try to get back to somewhat normality. I've experienced this before but not on this level. I didn't even feel this bad when I removed myself from an extremely violent, toxic relationship with someone I cared about more than myself.

It's hard, I'm in a daily battle with myself for control over my brain and my body. It gets to the point where I am so low, so ground down that I feel like nothing. I feel like nobody/nothing can fix this, the only way to possibly ease a little of this pain is to hurt myself. When I am in this place, there is no coming back. It's like something/someone has a hold of me and it's keeping me under a black sticky water that I can't get out of. I'm fighting, I fight so damn hard but I can't get out. It's holding me there and I'm drowning. It's taken my voice and I can't scream for help, no one can hear me. I'm screaming but no words come out, I'm muted. People are walking by and they can't see or hear. 

It feels like I'm drowning, I'm drowning in my own self-thoughts and my own anxiety and there is nothing I can do. No one can help me and I certainly can't help myself. I feel empty, I feel lost. I;m in the middle of nowhere with no one in sight. 

I know I have friends here to help me, but that's one of the battles in itself. I feel no self-worth, I feel no connection to my friends/family when I am in this place. When I am here, I am here completely alone. It's my own personal hell. My friends are trying to engage with me, but I'm pushing them away, I'm trying to distance them. I don't want them to get close because I inevitably believe they will leave. People always leave in the end, that's the curse of this disease. So why let them near? Why allow them the chance to be close to me only for them to abandon me in my darkest hour? It is best that I deal with this alone, deal with this in my manner, and deal with this in my time. That way I know, they are safe and so am I.

Right now, I am going to fight, this is not my time to stop fighting, this is not the time to allow my inner demon to drown me. I must fight to raise my head above the water, because if I don't, I fear I will never come back from it.

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  1. It's difficult when you're mind is in that low state because, just like you've explained, shit is hard. The thought of getting up out of bed is confronted with "Why? What's the point? Stay here." You can argue but eventually you get exhausted and one last thought creeps in "It's another day, nothing will change, you won't change. Just wait here until it all just stops." At that point, it's settled...you lay there for a long time before you gain the momentum to lift yourself out of bed. It's a victory but you sigh and a small "fuck..." escapes under your breath.

    I'm positive our experiences differ, given you have BPD and I've been diagnosed with clinical depression but there is some comradery we can both take solace in at least.

    I wish I could provide a solution or a flat out answer but as of yet I haven't found one big enough to fill the void created by illnesses like ours. As of right now, I myself am doing okay (a key word). I have felt pretty low, thoughts of suicide and hopelessness on my darker moments but I've managed to stay above water and tread for long enough that I haven't gone back to the doctors. I think the trick might be to remind yourself that life is made up of choices. That's it. Nothing else but a choice of either "yes" or "no". So when you catch yourself thinking dark thoughts at that moment you have a choice and as you have done, you should always choose to fight. Then again, maybe not even call it a "fight", the very word is exhausting, choose to be "okay". I like the word "okay" when describing my emotional state because it leaves a lot of room for many different emotions but most importantly, any emotion you are feeling becomes acceptable.
    When you think "I have to fight this, I shouldn't feel this way" I personally think it's counter productive because, as I've stated, the very word "fight" is exhausting and carries with it a lot of effort. Then when you're using it to oppose something like a mental illness, you're somewhat carrying the belief that "this is not okay. This is wrong. I am wrong."
    Which is pretty far from the truth.

    I think it was around 1 in 4 people suffer from some sort of mental illness, so there are lots of people being afflicted like ourselves. We're okay. No one in the entire world can be happy 24/7, so if you're feeling like utter shit, worthless or like dying, that is okay. You're still breathing, so you're okay...not great, but okay.
    At that moment I usually accept that "I'm not 100%...maybe around 10% but I'm okay because it's okay to feel like this." At that moment, I get lucky and I have a choice "How can I make myself feel better?" Imgur/reddit is usually a good answer.

    That's my two cent's anyway and I probably haven't helped much but I hope there is a small tid bit of wisdom you can take from that.

    Signed - "Where is my mind?"