An Open Letter To My Ex

16:46:00

Hello, it's me. It's been a long time since we spoke. It's been an even longer time since we was together, but each day I think of you and I yearn for you. You was my first love, and probably my last. I was only 16 when I first met you and you captured my heart in the way a prince captures his princess. I finally understood what they meant when they said 'love at first sight'. That's what it was for me, my heart skipped a beat, I had a lump in my throat and I felt a knot in my stomach every time that I looked at you. I considered myself the luckiest girl in the world 

As the months went by, things started to deteriorate, there was a big age gap and you wanted things I was never willing to provide. We began to argue more, things became a little volatile, I wouldn't know which 'you' I was going to be getting. You began staying out more and your 'friends' began to spread lies and rumours about what and who you was doing. It got to a point where I had to give up, I had to say enough is enough. I had to think about myself and my own happiness. You broke me down and you made me believe I wasn't worthy of you, you made me believe I wasn't worthy of anything or anyone. I lied to myself, and to those closest around me, I put on a big fake smile and I would pretend that I was okay and that I was happy.

But that was the issue, without you I wasn't happy, I wasn't me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I could barely even breathe without you. You was what I relied on for so long that I felt a part of me had died. I slowly felt myself dying from the inside out. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. The only way out for me was to take my own life, and trust me, I tried. More than once, but each time I failed. 

As time went on things got a little easier, I learnt how to live and survive without you. I had friends around me who kept me sane and kept my mind off you, but as the days turned to nights my mind turned to you and my heart would once again break into pieces as I sat and cried for what I had lost. 

Just as I was pulling myself back together you would message me and tell me you still loved me, you told me to wait for you and you filled my head with false hope and lies. You would say you don't want to be with your fiance, you're only with her for your son, you would tell me it's 'only a matter of time' until you two broke up. Then weeks later you would tell me that you have to stop speaking to me, because when the time comes it has to be your decision and what's right and best for you.

Only yesterday you messaged me and told me "I've got to stop speaking to you because you'll be the blame when me an her break up and I don't want that when I go it'll be for my reasons not her, hope you understand it's because there's feelings I have to do this Chel" I told you I was fine with that and told you I was not upset and I would not cry. But that was a lie, I did cry and I was upset. I spent the whole night crying.

After spending the whole night crying, I did some soul searching and I've now come to realise that I can live without you and I can be whole again. I'm not doing this for you, I'm not doing this so you can play happy families with a woman you don't love. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it so I can be free and I can be happy. I can never get over you when there is this 'glimmer of hope' (which we both know is a complete lie) and it's not fair to put myself through that. I went through enough with you and because of you. I honestly will never love another person the way I love/loved you, but that's the issue. I need to let you go so I can move on with my life and be with someone else. 

So that's why I'm sat here in my pyjamas, crying as I'm writing this. I'm not writing this to guilt trip you, damn I hope you never read it but this for me is closure. This is me finally letting go and saying goodbye. Maybe now I can be who I once was, maybe now I can enjoy what life has in store for me. Thank you for what you brought to my life but now it's time for me to be the Chelsea I once was. It's time for me to go out there, find love and be happy.

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2 comments

  1. Oh Chelsea :( I'm sobbing!! Haha! Breakups are a mare and I know this feeling all too well, I'm sending all of my love because this was a very brave post! Xx

    OliviaCheryl.com

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  2. Awww you go girl! I was in a similar situation, it feels like hell when someone likes you back but not enough, not in the same way. It gives you so much hope that you can't let go and move on and you get stuck in a limbo, all the while putting someone on a pedestal because you see them as so perfect. For me it took never seeing the person to realise that I wasn't seeing things right and that my needs should come first; I was putting up with so much bad treatment! I still have dreams about him but I wouldn't change my current partner and little boy for the world! I'm here to talk any time if you want to - and such a brave post! :D xx

    elizabeth ♡ ”Ice Cream” whispers Clara | (lets follow each other on bloglovin or instagram)

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