Living With BPD

17:26:00

I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after years of complaining to my doctor and having emotional outbursts and breakdowns. After years of questioning myself on who I am and why I behave in such a way. After fighting for years for tests to be done, psychology sessions to be booked and for people to just damn listen to me when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs that something isn't right with me. Someone finally did listen to me and finally gave me the diagnosis that I had been waiting for. 

So what is Borderline Personality Disorder? Well, in all honesty I'm still slowly finding out for myself. The name is a little misleading which most experts will agree with, BPD is a serious mental illness that centres around the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.  Whilst some people suffering with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may actually be in turmoil. Most people who have BPD suffers from problems regulating their emotions and thoughts, impulsive and reckless behaviour, and almost always unstable relationships. 

What's it like living with BPD? Friendships and relationships seem to be the hardest thing to control in my life. I have an intense fear of abandonment. Whether that's friendships or from a partner, I am afraid to be alone for a prolonged period of time in case of abandonment. I am always thinking that they can find someone better, and that I will be replaced. The fear almost eats me away inside. My heart hurts, my head spins and I can barely open my mouth to speak. Dealing with this fear is a full time battle in itself. I can find myself being very mean to the people I care about the most. I don't realise what I am doing until it's too late and then I am wracked with guilt and that same fear of abandonment. At the time, I am adamant that my actions and words are justified, but once that moment has passed and I come back to myself I realise what I have done. 

When I was first diagnosed I was stuck in the middle of an identity crises. I no longer knew who I was, this diagnosis changed my whole life and who I am. But now I have come to realise that my disorder doesn't decipher who I really am. There are times when my personality is sweet and caring, but there is also times when it's wild and reckless. There are other times when I sit and feel non-existent that I am nothing, with no personality traits. I get very easily stressed over small, easy decisions. The smallest of tasks become the biggest of obstacles. It's a horrible cycle of self doubt and guilt. There is also times when everything I do becomes impulsive and reckless. I get bored very easily which makes holding down/staying in one job very difficult. My mood and mentality changes so frequently between "this is amazing and I love this" to "I hate this, why am I doing this?" 

There's also the problems with self image. Feeling very insecure and doubting how I look, someday's I am very confident and I love the skin I am in, other days I can't stand to be in my own body and I would do anything to be anyone else. Having poor self esteem can make it almost impossible to reach my goals in life. and also makes me doubt all the small things that I do. There are some days where I can;t even look at myself in the mirror because the reflection looking back at me disgusts me. I have a need to be better at everything I do and because of that my confidence suffers. My motivation to do well and be a better person usually turns to jealousy and anger.

So going forward, how will I deal with this? Honestly, that's a question I am still trying to find the answer to myself. I don't think I will ever full know how to deal with this disorder. It's a new learning path for me and one I am discovering new things about daily. I've questioned whether having a relationship will ever be good for me, and for now the answer is no. But in the future who knows what will happen? Who knows who will walk into my life and be able to deal with who and what I am. But the one thing I need to remember is that, my disorder is NOT who I am, and it does not define me as a person. It's just a very small part of me and if I can live with it and deal with it, then other people can to. 

I am writing this in the hope of helping people in the same situation that I am in but in also raising awareness and trying to open up peoples eyes to mental health issues. If I can help one person with this post then I will have achieved something that took me years to achieve. 

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4 comments

  1. I love you! I am so proud of you opening up. You're learning about yourself and helping yourself and others to understand BPD. You're my girl and you have my support. This isn't pitty, this is just me loving my friend! Xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I love you! I am so proud of you opening up. You're learning about yourself and helping yourself and others to understand BPD. You're my girl and you have my support. This isn't pitty, this is just me loving my friend! Xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. The best thing you have done here is put your emotions down in print. Expressing yourself openly is a positive way of combating those inner feelings of self doubt. Having been in a very dark place myself in my Uni years, I know what it is like to be there, but I also know what it is like to come out the other side.
    My issues were around abandonment. My brain wrestled with being given up for adoption as a newborn, right up until adolescence. I struggled to get close to anyone, struggled to show love- that was always the sad part.
    Now, many years later- I'm in a good place. I'll never be 100% but I'm more than content with the high 90's I'm pumping out!
    I try to spend my time now trying to knock down the stigma's and prejudices that people have about people who have, or have experienced mental issues. They're totally oblivious to the fact I've been there as they cannot tell from my persona now. However, I point out to them that just because someone looks "normal" on the outside, doesn't mean they're not in turmoil inside.
    I hope my little write up helps you and others reading draw some strengths.

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  4. Chelsea I'm so proud of you for writing this post. You are also right this doesn't define you as a person. Remember you are an amazing person who is doing amazing things. Never stop smiling :)

    Laura. X

    www.hellolaura.co.uk

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