I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after years of complaining to my doctor and having emotional outbursts and breakdowns. After years of questioning myself on who I am and why I behave in such a way. After fighting for years for tests to be done, psychology sessions to be booked and for people to just damn listen to me when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs that something isn't right with me. Someone finally did listen to me and finally gave me the diagnosis that I had been waiting for.
So what is Borderline Personality Disorder? Well, in all honesty I'm still slowly finding out for myself. The name is a little misleading which most experts will agree with, BPD is a serious mental illness that centres around the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood. Whilst some people suffering with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may actually be in turmoil. Most people who have BPD suffers from problems regulating their emotions and thoughts, impulsive and reckless behaviour, and almost always unstable relationships.
What's it like living with BPD? Friendships and relationships seem to be the hardest thing to control in my life. I have an intense fear of abandonment. Whether that's friendships or from a partner, I am afraid to be alone for a prolonged period of time in case of abandonment. I am always thinking that they can find someone better, and that I will be replaced. The fear almost eats me away inside. My heart hurts, my head spins and I can barely open my mouth to speak. Dealing with this fear is a full time battle in itself. I can find myself being very mean to the people I care about the most. I don't realise what I am doing until it's too late and then I am wracked with guilt and that same fear of abandonment. At the time, I am adamant that my actions and words are justified, but once that moment has passed and I come back to myself I realise what I have done.
When I was first diagnosed I was stuck in the middle of an identity crises. I no longer knew who I was, this diagnosis changed my whole life and who I am. But now I have come to realise that my disorder doesn't decipher who I really am. There are times when my personality is sweet and caring, but there is also times when it's wild and reckless. There are other times when I sit and feel non-existent that I am nothing, with no personality traits. I get very easily stressed over small, easy decisions. The smallest of tasks become the biggest of obstacles. It's a horrible cycle of self doubt and guilt. There is also times when everything I do becomes impulsive and reckless. I get bored very easily which makes holding down/staying in one job very difficult. My mood and mentality changes so frequently between "this is amazing and I love this" to "I hate this, why am I doing this?"
There's also the problems with self image. Feeling very insecure and doubting how I look, someday's I am very confident and I love the skin I am in, other days I can't stand to be in my own body and I would do anything to be anyone else. Having poor self esteem can make it almost impossible to reach my goals in life. and also makes me doubt all the small things that I do. There are some days where I can;t even look at myself in the mirror because the reflection looking back at me disgusts me. I have a need to be better at everything I do and because of that my confidence suffers. My motivation to do well and be a better person usually turns to jealousy and anger.
So going forward, how will I deal with this? Honestly, that's a question I am still trying to find the answer to myself. I don't think I will ever full know how to deal with this disorder. It's a new learning path for me and one I am discovering new things about daily. I've questioned whether having a relationship will ever be good for me, and for now the answer is no. But in the future who knows what will happen? Who knows who will walk into my life and be able to deal with who and what I am. But the one thing I need to remember is that, my disorder is NOT who I am, and it does not define me as a person. It's just a very small part of me and if I can live with it and deal with it, then other people can to.
I am writing this in the hope of helping people in the same situation that I am in but in also raising awareness and trying to open up peoples eyes to mental health issues. If I can help one person with this post then I will have achieved something that took me years to achieve.
I know it's been a little while since my last post but my life outside of blogging involves a job and one that I've been working full time with hardly any days off. So blogging and this page had to take a little back seat, sadly. Now I'm back and totally ready to get back into action and back on the blogging train *choo choo*
Before my long break I was kindly invited to join the Nouveau Lashes #LashGang. This excited me as I am a big fan of the LVL lash treatment.I've had it done a few times in the past off my own back and I've always seen amazing results. So what makes Nouveau Lashes so good? Well first off, they are completely vegan and animal friendly. They are working with The Vegan Society to make sure all their products are vegan friendly. I'm not a vegan but I am a big lover of animals so anything that doesn't harm or test on animals is top of the list in my books.
As a #LashGang member I was lucky enough to receive a huge bag of their goodies. Everything from eyelashes, to their raved about lash conditioning serum. As someone who can't get through her working day without 12 coats of mascara and a pair of flasies this was like a package sent down from the makeup gods themselves.
I'll definitely be giving these lashes a go. My little sister has already tried nabbing them, so I know they will definitely be getting used pretty often. My favourite style are the Glamour style. These would be perfect to finish off a dramatic smokey eye look for a night out with the girls. I also received two of their natural style and two of their volume style.
I'm most excited to try these products. The eye makeup remover, is going to be my new best friend. I admit, I can be a little lazy when it comes to removing all of my eye makeup. It takes too long and my eyes end up really sore and puffy, so it's usually just a swipe of micellar water and I'll leave it a that. I know for sure this is going to be my new holy grail item. Along with the lash conditioning serum.
I'll be sure to keep you posted on how I get on with these as I'm going to incorporate them into my daily skincare routine. I'm hoping to see some really amazing results from the lash serum. You can find information on all of their products and a list of beauty treatments they offer in salons nationwide as well as a salon finder over at Nouveau Lashes. Until next time, and hopefully it wont be so long. Have a fabulous day, and stay sassy dolls!
Hey girls, hope you are doing well and having a wonderful day.
I wanted to write up a quick post on how I stay motivated to keep going with my fitness journey. A lot of people ask me how I stay motivated to work out, and how I restrain from eating all the junk food in the world. I get messages every day telling me how well I am doing with my fitness and diet progress. Which in itself gives me motivation to keep pushing and to keep going and achieve better results. So instead of telling people individually, I thought it would make it a little easier for myself and everyone else if I just wrote a blog post on how I stay motivated. So without further ado here are my top tips on staying motivated to keep fit and healthy.
Set yourself realistic and simple goals. You will find it easier to give up if your goals are unrealistic and out of reach. If you keep them simple, they are easier to obtain. Also, never set yourself a weight goal, if you are working out and training, as well as eating the right kind of foods your fat is going to be turned to muscle, which is heavier. Meaning your weight may stay the same, or even increase. Instead, set yourself a body goal. Have a body in mind and strive for that.
DO NOT CALORIE COUNT
This one for me is a big one, I see so many people under/overeating due to counting calories. It is so much easier to just eat clean, nutritious foods. Keep your portion sizes small, and try not to snack. If you feel peckish in between meals, DRINK WATER! Our body recognises dehydration as hunger. This is not the case, your body is simply trying to tell you it needs watered. You can still eat the foods you enjoy as long as you do it in moderate quantities. You can't eat pizza every night and expect to see results. You can however allow yourself to have a treat. If you cut out all carbs/sugars etc you are more likely to binge on junk food, which can result in a gain in weight.
MAKE IT FUN
Find an activity you enjoy and stick with it. Whether that be swimming, playing a sport or dancing. Exercise doesn't have to be boring and it doesn't have to be limited to the gym/home. You can do it anywhere, any time. Try and mix it up, I get bored if I do the same thing in the gym everyday, so I try to do something different each day. Remember you're more likely to stick to something if you are enjoying it
FIND A GYM BUDDY
I go to the gym with two people every day, I find it helps me stay on track and to not get bored. Find someone who has the same goals/interests as you and start doing them together. You're not alone in this journey, find someone who will push and motivate you to keep going.
When you reach one of your goals, reward yourself. Not with food, but maybe a new pair of gym trainers, or a new gym outfit. Maybe even that new eyeshadow palette you've been eyeing up but didn't want to buy as you couldn't justify it. Rewarding yourself will make you even more determined to hit your goals.
Some days we are just to busy or to tired to exercise, that's okay. Take a day or two off. Let your body and your mind rest and have a break. But be certain to get back on track as soon as you can, the longer you leave it, the harder it is to get back into it. Once you finally regain your enthusiasm, get moving! Even if you only do 30 minutes a day and work yourself up.
Please remember that fitness isn't a hobby, it is a lifestyle choice and it takes a lot to change your entire way of life. Be persistent and don't give up. You may be adamant you aren't seeing results but you will in time! Some people see results quicker than others, but that doesn't mean you give up. Stay at it and work at it, you will soon be where you want to be and you'll look back and think "I'm so glad I never gave up."
I hope this helps some of you out there, and if you ever need any motivation, hit me up on twitter. I'm more than happy to help anyone who is willing to get into shape and change their lifestyle. We can all do it, if we do it together.
Hello, thanks for visiting my blog. I'm a 20 something living in Manchester who occasionally blogs, with an addiction to makeup, shopping and shoes. Little bit of a gym bunny, and a total crazy cat lady.