A couple of months ago I did a post on what it's like living with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I had so many comments from people telling me how brave I was for speaking out about such an illness. I was proud, but I was new to this and I had only just learnt what the disorder really was. I hadn't experienced it in it's fullest yet.
That's why I'm here now, I've spent the past two days in a dark place that I thought I could not come back from. I've been in a constant battle with myself. I needed to write this down so I could get it out, push it away and remove it from my brain, try to get back to somewhat normality. I've experienced this before but not on this level. I didn't even feel this bad when I removed myself from an extremely violent, toxic relationship with someone I cared about more than myself.
It's hard, I'm in a daily battle with myself for control over my brain and my body. It gets to the point where I am so low, so ground down that I feel like nothing. I feel like nobody/nothing can fix this, the only way to possibly ease a little of this pain is to hurt myself. When I am in this place, there is no coming back. It's like something/someone has a hold of me and it's keeping me under a black sticky water that I can't get out of. I'm fighting, I fight so damn hard but I can't get out. It's holding me there and I'm drowning. It's taken my voice and I can't scream for help, no one can hear me. I'm screaming but no words come out, I'm muted. People are walking by and they can't see or hear.
It feels like I'm drowning, I'm drowning in my own self-thoughts and my own anxiety and there is nothing I can do. No one can help me and I certainly can't help myself. I feel empty, I feel lost. I;m in the middle of nowhere with no one in sight.
I know I have friends here to help me, but that's one of the battles in itself. I feel no self-worth, I feel no connection to my friends/family when I am in this place. When I am here, I am here completely alone. It's my own personal hell. My friends are trying to engage with me, but I'm pushing them away, I'm trying to distance them. I don't want them to get close because I inevitably believe they will leave. People always leave in the end, that's the curse of this disease. So why let them near? Why allow them the chance to be close to me only for them to abandon me in my darkest hour? It is best that I deal with this alone, deal with this in my manner, and deal with this in my time. That way I know, they are safe and so am I.
Right now, I am going to fight, this is not my time to stop fighting, this is not the time to allow my inner demon to drown me. I must fight to raise my head above the water, because if I don't, I fear I will never come back from it.
Hello, it's me. It's been a long time since we spoke. It's been an even longer time since we was together, but each day I think of you and I yearn for you. You was my first love, and probably my last. I was only 16 when I first met you and you captured my heart in the way a prince captures his princess. I finally understood what they meant when they said 'love at first sight'. That's what it was for me, my heart skipped a beat, I had a lump in my throat and I felt a knot in my stomach every time that I looked at you. I considered myself the luckiest girl in the world
As the months went by, things started to deteriorate, there was a big age gap and you wanted things I was never willing to provide. We began to argue more, things became a little volatile, I wouldn't know which 'you' I was going to be getting. You began staying out more and your 'friends' began to spread lies and rumours about what and who you was doing. It got to a point where I had to give up, I had to say enough is enough. I had to think about myself and my own happiness. You broke me down and you made me believe I wasn't worthy of you, you made me believe I wasn't worthy of anything or anyone. I lied to myself, and to those closest around me, I put on a big fake smile and I would pretend that I was okay and that I was happy.
But that was the issue, without you I wasn't happy, I wasn't me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I could barely even breathe without you. You was what I relied on for so long that I felt a part of me had died. I slowly felt myself dying from the inside out. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. The only way out for me was to take my own life, and trust me, I tried. More than once, but each time I failed.
As time went on things got a little easier, I learnt how to live and survive without you. I had friends around me who kept me sane and kept my mind off you, but as the days turned to nights my mind turned to you and my heart would once again break into pieces as I sat and cried for what I had lost.
Just as I was pulling myself back together you would message me and tell me you still loved me, you told me to wait for you and you filled my head with false hope and lies. You would say you don't want to be with your fiance, you're only with her for your son, you would tell me it's 'only a matter of time' until you two broke up. Then weeks later you would tell me that you have to stop speaking to me, because when the time comes it has to be your decision and what's right and best for you.
Only yesterday you messaged me and told me "I've got to stop speaking to you because you'll be the blame when me an her break up and I don't want that when I go it'll be for my reasons not her, hope you understand it's because there's feelings I have to do this Chel" I told you I was fine with that and told you I was not upset and I would not cry. But that was a lie, I did cry and I was upset. I spent the whole night crying.
After spending the whole night crying, I did some soul searching and I've now come to realise that I can live without you and I can be whole again. I'm not doing this for you, I'm not doing this so you can play happy families with a woman you don't love. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it so I can be free and I can be happy. I can never get over you when there is this 'glimmer of hope' (which we both know is a complete lie) and it's not fair to put myself through that. I went through enough with you and because of you. I honestly will never love another person the way I love/loved you, but that's the issue. I need to let you go so I can move on with my life and be with someone else.
So that's why I'm sat here in my pyjamas, crying as I'm writing this. I'm not writing this to guilt trip you, damn I hope you never read it but this for me is closure. This is me finally letting go and saying goodbye. Maybe now I can be who I once was, maybe now I can enjoy what life has in store for me. Thank you for what you brought to my life but now it's time for me to be the Chelsea I once was. It's time for me to go out there, find love and be happy.
I was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after years of complaining to my doctor and having emotional outbursts and breakdowns. After years of questioning myself on who I am and why I behave in such a way. After fighting for years for tests to be done, psychology sessions to be booked and for people to just damn listen to me when I'm screaming at the top of my lungs that something isn't right with me. Someone finally did listen to me and finally gave me the diagnosis that I had been waiting for.
So what is Borderline Personality Disorder? Well, in all honesty I'm still slowly finding out for myself. The name is a little misleading which most experts will agree with, BPD is a serious mental illness that centres around the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood. Whilst some people suffering with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may actually be in turmoil. Most people who have BPD suffers from problems regulating their emotions and thoughts, impulsive and reckless behaviour, and almost always unstable relationships.
What's it like living with BPD? Friendships and relationships seem to be the hardest thing to control in my life. I have an intense fear of abandonment. Whether that's friendships or from a partner, I am afraid to be alone for a prolonged period of time in case of abandonment. I am always thinking that they can find someone better, and that I will be replaced. The fear almost eats me away inside. My heart hurts, my head spins and I can barely open my mouth to speak. Dealing with this fear is a full time battle in itself. I can find myself being very mean to the people I care about the most. I don't realise what I am doing until it's too late and then I am wracked with guilt and that same fear of abandonment. At the time, I am adamant that my actions and words are justified, but once that moment has passed and I come back to myself I realise what I have done.
When I was first diagnosed I was stuck in the middle of an identity crises. I no longer knew who I was, this diagnosis changed my whole life and who I am. But now I have come to realise that my disorder doesn't decipher who I really am. There are times when my personality is sweet and caring, but there is also times when it's wild and reckless. There are other times when I sit and feel non-existent that I am nothing, with no personality traits. I get very easily stressed over small, easy decisions. The smallest of tasks become the biggest of obstacles. It's a horrible cycle of self doubt and guilt. There is also times when everything I do becomes impulsive and reckless. I get bored very easily which makes holding down/staying in one job very difficult. My mood and mentality changes so frequently between "this is amazing and I love this" to "I hate this, why am I doing this?"
There's also the problems with self image. Feeling very insecure and doubting how I look, someday's I am very confident and I love the skin I am in, other days I can't stand to be in my own body and I would do anything to be anyone else. Having poor self esteem can make it almost impossible to reach my goals in life. and also makes me doubt all the small things that I do. There are some days where I can;t even look at myself in the mirror because the reflection looking back at me disgusts me. I have a need to be better at everything I do and because of that my confidence suffers. My motivation to do well and be a better person usually turns to jealousy and anger.
So going forward, how will I deal with this? Honestly, that's a question I am still trying to find the answer to myself. I don't think I will ever full know how to deal with this disorder. It's a new learning path for me and one I am discovering new things about daily. I've questioned whether having a relationship will ever be good for me, and for now the answer is no. But in the future who knows what will happen? Who knows who will walk into my life and be able to deal with who and what I am. But the one thing I need to remember is that, my disorder is NOT who I am, and it does not define me as a person. It's just a very small part of me and if I can live with it and deal with it, then other people can to.
I am writing this in the hope of helping people in the same situation that I am in but in also raising awareness and trying to open up peoples eyes to mental health issues. If I can help one person with this post then I will have achieved something that took me years to achieve.
Hello, thanks for visiting my blog. I'm a 20 something living in Manchester who occasionally blogs, with an addiction to makeup, shopping and shoes. Little bit of a gym bunny, and a total crazy cat lady.